


the human condition | p.cy & b.bh

by bebishua



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Middle School, M/M, Rape, Rape Recovery, Self-Harm, Suicidal Thoughts, eighth grade
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-08
Packaged: 2019-06-24 02:53:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,493
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15620931
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bebishua/pseuds/bebishua
Summary: "i longfor youbut you longfor someone elsei deny the onewho wants mecause i want someone else-the human condition"~rupi kaurBaekhyun just wants to love and be loved. Chanyeol just wants to be okay again.





	1. |warning|

**Author's Note:**

> This work contains various triggers, so please read the warning chapter before reading. Thanks!  
> -rhian

**This story contains:**   
**• Abuse**   
**• Alcoholism**   
**• Rape**   
**•Abandonment**   
**• Self-harm**   
**• Major disorders**   
**• Substance abuse**   
**[IF ANY OF THESE THINGS TRIGGER YOU, PLEASE READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.]**


	2. prologue | the human condition

The human mind is truly the scariest thing of all. It pesters itself with questions, demanding answers that cannot be given. It is two-faced, contradicting its own actions. It is lethal, but required for survival. Why the body decided it needed something to control it is unknown to us.

Languages were not created to harm any being, but that is exactly what humans have done. We have beaten each other down to breaking points. Each hurtful word is like a hammer to glass. Words are used to revolt, to proclaim, to oppress. Every language has an arsenal on standby for every situation, especially the most damaging ones. We chide the ones revolting, and then revolt the ones proclaiming. We contradict ourselves. And to make matters worse, we then steal the voices of the oppressed and distort their cries for equality into more persecution. Only this time around, it's masked. It glorifies the privileged, the loved, the welcomed. But not the enslaved, the helpless, the tormented. Not the ones who truly deserve glory. Those who live even though they are unwanted by so many.

All through our lives, we are told we must fit in. We are told to get along with everyone. But how are we to do both at the same time? Fitting in means hurting people. Being kind means not fitting in. We are also told to be ourselves, and then we are mutilated because we do not conform to social norms. Social norms are not us.  _I thought you told me to be me?_   **I did, but I did not mean that version of you.** _But this_ is _me._ **Then change.**  We become unhappy, and the monster uses us as a home. Now that we fit in, we are not okay. Mental disorders flying around us, some of us swimming in a pool of anxiety, some of us unknowingly feeding a black dog. Some of us chained to the same fucking routine, day in and day out because we can't stop it, because OCD got the best of us. Some of us only chatting with the other people inside of us because we're so scared of human contact outside of our homes. Some of us trying to throw our stomach out of our mouths because we're not the size of everyone else around us. Some of us feasting on pills, hoping to calm down just once, so our friends won't get tired of us never being focused and always moving.  _What if I was born like this?_   **That means you're a mistake. You're disabled, you don't have a purpose.**  But you do. You have a purpose just like every goddamn person on the face of the earth. You don't have to fit in, you're fucking beautiful the way you are, and whoever fails to see that is wrong.

      Abuse, alcoholism, rape, abandonment. All of these are things that no child should ever have to deal with. But they do. And they will continue to. All the kids who come to school with a black eye, only to come back home with two. All the kids who have to take care of their parents because they're so drunk they can't even move. All the kids who ask their psychopathic guardian to stop touching them, but they're so screwed up that they don't listen. All the kids who never knew one of their parents because they never wanted anything to do with them. All those kids are stronger than anyone you'll ever meet, and yet, the smallest word can snap them into pieces.

     Those kids don't know how to tell what love is, they don't know how to give it. They do not know how to trust, or what it feels like to be trusted. Those kids could break at any second.

     This is what we call the human condition. The qualities of being human. This, we cannot change, but, we can make life easier on those in pain. However, we choose not to make that happen.

     The human condition is something Baekhyun has given up on trying to understand. The human condition is something Chanyeol wishes he could escape.

_"i long_   
_for you_   
_but you long_   
_for someone else_   
_i deny the one_   
_who wants me_   
_cause i want someone else_

_-the human condition"_  
~rupi kaur, "the sun and her flowers"


	3. chapter one

      Chanyeol flinched as the door slammed shut at the other end of the house.

"Where are you, you filthy rat?!"

"Baek, you gotta go," Chanyeol whispered hurriedly. "Go! I'll come to your house tomorrow."

"No, Yeol, I-"

"Baekhyun please," the boy with pink hair pleaded. "I don't want you to get hurt, please!"

"Fine, but I want you to call me in a bit, okay?"

"Okay," Chanyeol agrees as Baekhyun jumps out of the window. Just as he locks the window, his mom pushes his door open.

     The woman stomped her way toward the fourteen-year-old boy, who was crouching in the floor. A loud smack could be heard as she hit his head.

"Get up, you slut!"

Chanyeol scrambled to get up, hoping that if he responds quickly, she won't hurt him.

"Go make me a drink," the woman sternly commanded. Chanyeol quickly obeyed, grabbing a beer for his mom. When he handed it to her, however, she slapped him across the face.

      "How fucking stupid are you? I told you to make me a drink!"

"I-I'm sorry," the kid whispered.

"Shut the fuck up and go do what I told you to do!"

So Chanyeol quickly grabbed her a glass and poured some type of amber liquid into it and rushed it back to his mom, who drank it all within five minutes.

"the thing about having

an alcoholic parent

is an alcoholic parent

does not exist

 

simply

an alcoholic

who could not stay sober

long enough to raise their kids"

-rupi kaur,  _"milk and honey"_

     Now she was even more drunk than before. The woman got out of her chair tipsily.

"You know the drill," the sinister woman said to her son, who ran to her closet, bringing her a bag. The child trembled in fear as his mom cornered him.

"Give me your hands."

"N-No."

"Give me your hands!" The woman yelled, brutally grabbing the boy's hands and zip-tying them together.

     Chanyeol had tears streaming down his face as his mother groped him.

"Stop! Please!"

"Shut up, you whore!"

He could only lie there and sob as his mother pleasured herself using his body. He didn't want this, he never wanted any of this. He tried to push her off, but he was not strong enough. He tried to scream, but no one could hear him.

"sex takes the consent of two

if one person is lying there not doing anything

cause they are not ready

or not in the mood

or simply don't want to

yet the other is having sex

with their body it's not love

it is rape"

-rupi kaur,  _"milk and honey"_

     After his mom was done fucking his uninviting body, she would get dressed again and have another drink. After the second glass of whiskey, she would get violent, often beating Chanyeol to the point of unconsciousness. On this particular day, however, it was Chanyeol's mom who passed out first.

     The ordeal took three hours. Chanyeol was supposed to call Baekhyun an hour ago, but he didn't. Instead, he made his way to the messy kitchen and grabbed a knife, pulling up his shirt and positioning it over his stomach. He wanted to forget, and this was the way to do it. He didn't care anymore, he knew Baekhyun doesn't care if he's dead or not.

     He could wait until school tomorrow.

"the rape will

tear you

in half

 

but it

will not

end you"

-rupi kaur,  _"milk and honey"_

     Baekhyun couldn't move from his bed. He sat next to his phone, hoping, praying that Chanyeol will call.

He never did. Baekhyun fell asleep next to the phone, clutching a pillow to his chest.

     "Baekhyun? Baek," the boy's father called through the house, having just arrived from work. He walked quietly into his son's room, feeling his heart shatter when he saw Baekhyun.

     Tear stains on his clear, young face, a frown left from crying. Purple rings sitting atop his cheeks, hugging a pillow soaked with tears.

"Baek," the man said, gently shaking his son's shoulder.

Baekhyun opened his eyes, froze for a second, and then shot up, grabbing his phone and frantically looking through his notifications. The scared, tired boy began to cry when he saw that his best friend had not called.

     "D-Dad- I- Chan-Chanyeol," he managed to stutter before bursting into tears, wrapping his arms around his father.

"It's okay, it's okay," Mr. Byun cooed, kissing the top of his son's head before petting his hair. "Tell me what happened."

"I was over- over at his- his house and then his m-mom came in and he to-told me I had to go so- so I wouldn't get h-hurt."

"Why would you get hurt?"

"I-I don't know, she was- she was calling him a filthy rat and he begged me to l-leave. She seemed a-angry," Baekhyun said in between his hyperventilation.

"Do you think she's hurting him?"

     Baekhyun nodded, trying to wipe his overflowing eyes. "I d-don't want him to have to l-live there."

"Can you bring him over tomorrow?"

     At that sentence, Baekhyun lost it. He began shaking, sobbing harder than before.

"I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I don't even know if he's alive or not, I don't know! He comes to school every day with bruises and pain and I don't want him living in that hell hole anymore-," the distraught boy was cut off by a heart-wrenching sob as he buried his face in his hands

"Baekhyun, it's okay, don't talk like that! Do you think he would be okay with moving in with one of his friends?"

"Why not with us?"

"Baekhyun, I've seen the way you look at him. You love him in a different way than his other friends love him. That's why he can't."

"Oh..."

"Do you think he'd be fine with moving in with Jongin?"

"N-Next door?"

"Yeah."

     The redhead nodded, looking up.

"It doesn't matter where he wants to live anymore, we need to get him out of that house."

     Mr. Byun sighed. "Okay," he spoke calmly. "I'll see what I can do. Don't worry yourself to death, Baek. Go back to sleep.


	4. chapter two

The next day at school, Baekhyun waited patiently for Chanyeol at the door. When the 8:00 bell rang, he was forced to go inside, and tears threatened to glide down his face.

"Where is he? Is he okay?" Baekhyun muttered to himself as he walked to his homeroom.

The day went by slowly with no sign of Chanyeol. Baekhyun had to resist the urge to cry until he got home. His best friend could be dead! But of course, people still made rumors about why he wasn't there. They were all disgusting.

"I bet he went out to meet his boyfriend and got fucked so hard he couldn't come to school."

"No, no. He's so ugly, I don't think he has a boyfriend. He's so dumb he got lost on the way to school."

"I think he probably got kidnapped!"

"No way, no one would ever want a fag like him.

The rumors went on and on, each one hurting Baekhyun as if he were Chanyeol. This was all his fault.  _Why couldn't he help Chanyeol?_

Slamming the door behind him, Baekhyun ran to his room, sobbing. He was so worried about Chanyeol that he couldn't think of anything else.

"This is all my fault... My fault," he mumbled to himself as he searched his room frantically. "Where is it? Where the fuck is it?"

He was losing his mind. He pulled out every drawer, crawled under his bed, and ransacked his closet, but he couldn't find what he was looking for. Baekhyun felt dizzy, like the world was just outside of a water-filled fish tank he was drowning in. His throat felt swollen, he was choking on air. He was shaking, mumbling incoherent words to himself. He was crying about nothing and everything at the same time.

_Everything is your fault, you're a fuck up, no one will ever love you. No one wants to deal with you. Now you've gone and gotten your best friend killed. And you thought you couldn't be more of a mistake. Go find that razor blade you piece of shit. Destroy your ugly body. I won't leave you alone until I see you passed out in the floor with blood streaming from your sides, legs, and arms. Do it you mistake._

Baekhyun turned his room upside down in an attempt to please the voice. He needed to find that blade. The rusty blade he's had for five years. The one he tried to slit his throat with. The one he tried to sever the veins in his wrist with. He one he tried to carve derogatory words in his stomach and legs with. He was losing his mind because he couldn't find it. After searching the bathroom, he gave up. The panicked boy ran back into his room, clawing at his arm harshly. Tears were streaming down his face as he broke down. He was at the peak of an anxiety attack, and was screaming for help. His chest hurt, his body was trembling and on fire. As he clutched onto his blue comforter, he passed out. His body had had enough. His arm was burning red, skin peeled up in random places.

Just as he had come to, he heard tapping on his window. The young boy had never popped his head up faster.

"Dad?" Baekhyun looked around his room before going over to the window. "Yeol!"

The bruised, skinny boy stood on the roof in front of Baekhyun's window, just waiting for the older boy to open it.

Once inside, Baekhyun hugged his best friend gently, knowing that he was bruised. He grabbed the other boy's face and kissed his cheeks, more than happy to see him.

"Yeol," the smaller, anxiety-prone boy cried softly as he held onto Chanyeol's shirt and cried into his shoulder. The latter looked down and pressed his lips to Baekyun's head, humming to him as he sat down on the bed with him.

"It's okay Baek, I've got you..."

"Please don't go home... Please, stay here. We- We'll feed you and buy you clothes an-"

"I'm not gonna go home. Kyungsoo and Jongin's parents told me I was moving in with them. They're gonna adopt me. Someone reported my mom and that's why I was out of school yesterday. We were getting living arrangements set up because DHR wanted me out of there as quickly as possible. Kyungsoo's mom volunteered and then called Jongin's dad to make sure it was okay."

"Across the street?"

"Yep. I'll come over every day if you want me to."

Baekhyun nodded as he placed his head in the crook of his friend's neck, tear stains on his cheeks and his body still shaking slightly. He heard the door open and his dad's footsteps.

"Hyun? I'm home! Have you heard anything from Chany-," he stopped as he poked his head into the room and spotted Chanyeol holding his son. "Chanyeol!"

Mr. Byun hugged him and his son lovingly. "We were so worried about you, oh my god, we thought you-"

"I'm okay Mr. Byun. I promise. I'm moving in with the Kims next door."

"Really? That's wonderful!" The man pretended as if he didn't know about the arrangement.

"It is."

Mr. Byun smiled. "I'll make dinner," he said, starting down the stairs.

"Chanyeol, please don't leave me like that aga- What's that?"

Chanyeol looked down at the shirt that had ridden up his torso a small bit, revealing the ends of huge lacerations on the skin. He fixed it quickly and dodged the question.

"Did we do anything at school today?"

"No, but tell me what that is, Yeol. Please," Baekhyun begged.

"It's nothing, I promise."

"Chanyeol..."

"It's fine Baek, don't worry too much about it. I just fell earlier and scraped my stomach up."

"But how did you even do that?"

"Didn't have a shirt on."

The two boys sat in silence for a while before Baekhyun spoke up.

"Yeol?"

"Yeah?"

"I think I love you."

"Obviously you do, we're best friends."

"No," the older boy sighed. "I mean  _love_  love you."

"You don't Baek. We went over this last month and the month before that. Don't think about it too much, you probably just really care about me. No one loves me like that."

"I do, Yeol."

"No you don't. I can assure you, you don't like me like you think you do," Chanyeol said as he looked up at Baekhyun's clock. "Shit, I've got to get to the Kims' house. Bye Baek."

"Bye Chanyeol."

Baekhyun placed his head in his hands. He loves Chanyeol, he wants to spend every waking hour with him. He wants to make him happy. He wants to teach him how to love again, but he keeps getting rejected.


	5. chapter three

Baekhyun dreads leaving his house for school. As much as he loves spending time with Chanyeol, he's not sure how much longer he can deal with unrequited love just because the younger boy doesn't understand the concept of being loved by someone. He's never experienced it. Not until Baekhyun came along.

All day, Baekhyun walked behind Chanyeol, Jongin, and Kyungsoo, not attempting to be in the conversation. He just wanted to be close to Chanyeol. However, at lunch, he couldn't keep silent.

"Why don't you understand?"

Chanyeol looked up from his plate. "Understand what?"

"I love you, Chanyeol. Why don't you get that?"

"Come on Baek, stop screwing around. You're not acting any better than my bullies at this point."

"But I'm not joking!"

"Baek, I'm starting to get annoyed. Just stop that already!"

"Stop what? Loving you?" Baekhyun was aggitated. "That's not how it works."

"No!" Chanyeol slammed his fists on the table. "Stop fucking around and telling me you love me as something more than a friend because you don't!"

Baekhyun looked down as he gathered his stuff beneath the table. "Maybe I'll just quit telling you all together, since you seem so annoyed to have me around. Have fun finding a new best friend."

And with that, he walked out of the cafeteria. Once outside the double doors, he broke. Tears and snot covered his face as he ran quickly to the bathroom, hiccuping and choking on his sobs. Without even thinking about it, his nails went to his arm and began furiously scratching. He stayed there the rest of the day, unable to get through his last few classes. When the bell rang for the end of the day, Baekhyun waited until he was sure everyone was gone, and then he left the bathroom to go home. Halfway up his long driveway, he heard Chanyeol screaming his name from the other side of that street.

God, how he wanted to turn around and answer, but he didn't. He just kept walking. He was so hurt, so numb that he could walk away from the boy he loves without regretting it. Baekhyun knew that Chanyeol could only see his back. Not the tears streaming down his cheeks, not the bags under his eyes, not the pure look of exhaustion on his face.

"Baekhyun! Baek, please!"

"Chanyeol, don't try to get him to come back... If he really loves you, he'll come back," Jongin spoke quietly as Kyungsoo grabbed Chanyeol's arm and dragged him inside.

He picked at his dinner, never eating because he lost his appetite when he lost Baekhyun. As a matter of fact, he lost everything when he lost Baekhyun. After dinner, he texted him repeatedly with no answer. He called and called, but the older boy never picked up.

Baekhyun wanted to answer those calls, but he promised himself he wouldn't. He needed time, he was tired of being pushed away and loving someone who thinks it's completely impossible to have someone in his life that actually loves him and wants to take care of him.

The next morning, Baekhyun didn't show up for school.

"Hey Chen, have you seen Baek- Uh Baekhyun?"

"Nah man, not today. What's wrong with him?"

"I don't know," Chanyeol said, concerned. "He's always at school..."

"Why don't you visit him later?"

"Uh, I actually have to do some homework, I can't go over there today. Could you?"

"Yeah," Chen agreed to stop by the missing boy's house.

_Knock!Knock!Knock!_

"I know you're in there, Baekhyun. It's me, Chen."

"Is there- Is there anyone else with you?"

"No, it's just me. Can I come in?"

"I guess," Baekhyun sniffed, looking up as Chen walked through the door.

"Baek..."

Chen's heart broke when he shut the door behind him. There Baekhyun was, sitting on his bed with bloodshot eyes and a runny nose, body trembling. He rushed to the other boy's side, pulling him into a hug. The redhead latched onto Chen's torso, shaking with sobs and talking incoherently.

"Baek, what happened?"

"I- Chan- Chanyeol, he- I confessed- Rejected- I can't- can't keep doing this, I- I can't take this-"

"Shhh... Calm down first and then tell me, okay?"

Once Baekhyun had calmed down, he began to speak.

"I keep telling Chanyeol how I- how I feel and he keeps rejecting me... It hurts so bad," he managed to whimper before collapsing into Chen's chest again, heaving.

"That little fucker..."

"What?"

"Do you want me to go talk to him?"

Baekhyun nodded his head, smearing his tears farther down Chen's shirt. After some time, the distraught boy sent Chen on his way.

"Park Chanyeol!" Chen screeched as he entered the Kim household and ran up to the boy's room. "What the hell were you thinking?"

"What?"

"What did you do to Baekhyun?"

"Oh..."

"Why do you keep rejecting him?"

"Because no one loves me like that and I know that for a fact, so he can't possibly like me."

Chen sighed. "Yeol, Baek doesn't like you. He  _loves_  you."

"How do you know?"

"He wouldn't have been crying the way he was when I walked into his room if he didn't love you. He sounded absolutely heartbroken. It looked like he had driven himself crazy over you," Chen explained.

"But-"

"Chanyeol. Open your fucking eyes. The boy is in love with you. This isn't some silly prank or some mean joke, Baekhyun is so in love with you. He would do anything for you, he loves you so much. Please believe me."

"Baekhyun, please tell me what's wrong," his father begged. "I can call the Kims to get Chanyeol over here if you want?"

"No! He's the cause of all of this! I can't even imagine speaking to him right now."

"What? What happened? I thought he was your crush...?"

"He is. When he looks at me, it's as if every ounce of breath is being taken from my lungs at once, floating into the air like wispy smoke. Every time he holds my face between his hands it feels like he's untying all of my knots. Holding me forever in the loving arms of his I'd grown accustomed to. This is what falling in love with Chanyeol was like, a story that I never wanted to end. For so long I had waited for it, and now I can't bare to lose it - lose this thing that makes me feel so complete. Yeol... Dad, he's angry with me. He doesn't love me back," Baekhyun whimpered, bursting into tears. He misses Chanyeol more than anything, and his entire body aches with the knowledge that he doesn't want him.


	6. chapter four

Chanyeol took Chen's advice that night, but sadly, the damage had already been done. While Baekhyun did show up to school, he ignored the taller boy. He began hanging out with his old friends, Minseok and Yixing. Chanyeol would attempt to talk to him, and would get ignored. He did everything to get the older boy's attention, but only received the attention of others.

"Yeol, are you okay?"

"No, Sehun. Do I look like I'm okay?"

"Not really," Junmyeon chimed in, joining the conversation. "You look sick."

"I'm just upset... Baekhyun hates me."

"No he doesn't! Did you not listen to anything Chen said?"

"Yeah, I did, but Baekhyun's been ignoring me all day."

Sehun sighed, shaking his head. "Did you really think he was gonna just crawl back up your ass after you pushed him away a million times? That's not how it works. You really want him back?"

Chanyeol nodded.

"Then man up and go fucking apologize to him. Tell him how you feel."

"I don't know how I feel..."

"Yes you do," Junmyeon chided. "Stop lying."

"Fine, I like him too, I just hid it because I thought he was joking. I mean who would want to date a kid who gets raped by his mom on a daily basis? I mean, it must've been easy to ditch me. He told me he loved me and then just walked away like it was nothing. Like I was nothing."

"Somebody who loves that kid. The fact that your mom used to rape you before you moved out doesn't change Baek's view of you.  _He loves you_ , dumbass. He wants to love you and help you recover from those incidences. Do you realize how much it's taking out of him not to come and talk to you? To be mad at you? Do you understand that he'd kill himself before he'd quit loving you? He walked away from you because he couldn't take it any more. He couldn't deal with loving you and you rejecting him every time he opens his mouth.

Chanyeol nodded again.

The next day, Junmyeon and Sehun were waiting for Chanyeol to get to school. Jongin and Kyungsoo walked past, but Chanyeol was nowhere to be found. The day after that, Chanyeol didn't show up. Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into a month.

Baekhyun was slowly losing his mind. He used to be okay. During the day, he would spend his time with Chanyeol.

He used to be okay, during the day. But then the talking stopped, and their friendship ended. The only voice left in his head is his own, and by now, he might as well be dead. He feels disconnected, numb. He felt as though he were inhaling liquid with each breath. Leaving Chanyeol was the hardest thing he had ever done, and he wasn't sure if he could live like this any longer.


End file.
